First Half Chat:

Deciding to take advantage of the All Star Break, Michael Barrett was relaxing at home and getting ready to go out with some friends when the phone rang. It was Todd Walker. "Hey, Mike, a couple of the guys are over and we're bored. You still have that photo album?" "Why wasn't I invited? And is this the same photo album you were making fun of at the beginning of the year?" "Hey, man, I called and Stephanie said you had other plans. So can we come? We'll bring beer." "Well, Kerry, Todd, and I were just about to head out but if you're really that bored I guess you can come. Who all is there?" "It's me, Jerry, Jeromy, Mark, and Carlos. We'll be there in a few." Michael got off the phone and informed Kerry Wood and Todd Hollandsworth of the change in plans. They went on to prepare some snacks for the rest of the company. There actually wasn't much preparing involved, but for the three men who usually relied on their wives for food, popping popcorn and pouring a bag of chips into a bowl was a big deal. The doorbell rang and the five players filed in. "Hey, guys, what's going on?" Todd Walker greeted them. "Where's the beer?" Michael responded. "Right here. Why wasn't I invited to this rendevous?" "I called, but Katie said you had other plans," Michael replied sarcastically. Mark Prior, who had been exploring the living room while the others talked, found the book he discovered to be the photo album. "What, no decorations, Mike? What happened? Did scrapbooking class run short?" "Why did you guys even come over here if you're just going to mock me?" "So we can mock you. I thought that'd be kind of obvious," Todd Walker said jokingly. "Let's see what's inside this time," Mark said, opening the album.

An awkward silence fell among the men as they viewed the first picture in the book. Carlos Zambrano was the first one to speak, after clearing his throat. "What's that from, Mike?" "It's the first run of the season, backing you up." More silence followed, and Mark quickly turned the page.

"You from the first game, before you went crazy," Michael said to Carlos. "Hey, I didn't go crazy. I simply told the umpire that he needed glasses," Carlos defended himself. "If getting tossed isn't crazy, I'd hate to see what is," Jeromy said, playfully shoving Carlos. "Careful there, Jeromy. Don't touch Carlos when he's upset. He might threaten to get you protective eyewear," Todd Walker said, turning the page.

"I never liked that guy," Todd Walker said, shaking his head. "You know, this play could've caused our loss that day," Michael said. "You don't even know what's going on in your own book. I got that out," Todd Walker said.

"Now there's a guy who can cause a loss," Todd Walker said, pointing at Ryan Dempster's picture. "Hey, starting's a tough job," Kerry said, defending his fellow pitcher. "But, Kerry, you must realize, the man blew a save. I'm surprise we haven't traded him yet," Mark said, clearly aware of and ready to satirize what goes on in some fans' minds.

"My first game at Wrigley. How nice, Mike. Tear," Jeromy Burnitz said, faking sentiment. "Oh, you know you have something to remember that day too." "Yea, a bat. How bout you, Jerry?" "Same thing," Jerry Hairston responded, flipping to the next page.

Another awkward silence fell among the eight players sitting in a circle reminiscent of schoolchildren during show and tell. But there were no "ooh"s and "ahh"s. This time no one broke the silence, Mark just turned the page after seeing the confused looks of sadness on his teammates' faces.

"There, a picture of something I'm really good at," Carlos said, feigning pride. "Yep, you knocked in the first run of that game," Michael elaborated. "I guess I'm just good at everything," Carlos said, flexing. "If I recall correctly, I hit my first homerun in that game. Where am I?" Jeromy asked. "He doesn't put the new guys in his book," Jerry said with a well-practiced look of hurt on his face.

"Why do you have this? That's definitely not something you want to remember. I think there was a conspiracy," Todd Walker said after seeing this painful picture. "Yes, Todd, that's exactly right. We wanted our second baseman out so badly that we called up Carlos Lee and had him hit you with that takeout slide. He didn't quite follow through, you came back to quickly. Brilliant, Todd, just brilliant," Michael said, shaking his head. "That's good, I'm glad you can admit it. Now if we can just work through this and be a team," Todd Walker said, rolling out of the way of popcorn being thrown at him by Michael. "You can nail the fastest guy in baseball trying to steal second but you can't hit me sitting down with a piece of popcorn? You never cease to amaze me," Todd Walker said smirking. "Oh stop it and turn the page," Kerry said.

"Finally, I get my picture in the 2005 Michael Barrett Manly Photo Album. So tell me, Mike, what is going on here?" Todd Hollandsworth asked. "You singled in the winning run in the twelfth. If you don't stop making fun of me I'm kicking you out of my house," Michael said. "Relax, Mike, we're just joking," Mark said, revealing the next picture.

"Oh, I get it, the new guys get in when we do something bad. I don't think we want to be here, Jerry," Jeromy said. As Jeromy said this, Todd Walker's cell phone rang. He checked to see who it was, and discovered it was his wife. "Quiet, guys, it's Katie!" The group silenced and after a series of "Fine, honey"s, "Yes", "Sure", and "Of course"s, he hung up and jumped off the ground. "She's on her way home, and expecting us there. You four, let's go." As the five men left Michael's house, Carlos, the last out the door, turned around and said, "We'll be back." "Great," Michael said sarcastically, as he, Kerry, and Todd Hollandsworth proceeded in their plans for a night out.

A How-to Video
Being a Players' Manager: A Day in the Life of Dusty Baker

There are many ways to manage a Major League Baseball team. One can manage to win, actually manage the team, or be a players' manager. Dusty Baker has chosen to be a players' manager. In order to be a players' manager, one must--why tell you when we can just see Dusty in action? Let's take a look at the Cubs dugout. Young slumping slugger Aramis Ramirez has just returned after his second strikeout of the game.

Dusty Baker: Aramis, I need to talk to you. It seems like you're swinging for the fences every time. I think you need to play some small ball.
Aramis Ramirez: No. I'm doing everything just fine. I'm not going to change anything.
Dusty: You're right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't've brought it up.

As you can see, being a players' manager requires extreme passiveness. One cannot tell a player anything he does not want to hear. Are you taking notes? This is good stuff. The Cubs just won the game 5-3. Second baseman Todd Walker went 3-4 with a double and two RBI and left fielder Jason Dubois hit for the cycle. Jerry Hairston and Todd Hollandsworth are not too happy though. Corey Patterson went 0-4 with three strikeouts. Let's see what Dusty does.

Jerry Hairston: Dusty, what is going on?
Dusty: We just won, Jerry, what do you mean?
Jerry: You know what I mean. I'm not playing.
Dusty: Jerry, you signed on to be a backup player. You knew it when you came to the Cubs. The only reason you were starting is because Walk was hurt.
Jerry: I don't care what I signed on to do. I was playing well. I want to play more.
Dusty: OK, sorry, Jerry. I'll make sure you play everyday next week.

Dusty again exhibits the oh-so-important passiveness to Jerry Hairston. You always have to make bad decisions. Despite the fact that Todd Walker just had an amazing game, Jerry will be playing for at least a week.

Todd Hollandsworth: Dusty, what's with Jason playing?
Dusty: He's a good rookie. He's got potential. He deserves to start.
Todd: Have we forgotten what I did for the team last year?
Dusty: You're right. You deserve it more than Jason. I'll have him sit for the next couple weeks.

As a players' manager, you must favor veterans. Rookie Jason Dubois had a perfect game, but Dusty does not allow him to play because Todd Hollandsworth is a veteran. A players' manager must always be sure to not be fair to the young players. A players' manager must be the players' best friend.

Dusty: Corey, can I talk to you about the game today?
Corey Patterson: Sure, Dusty, what's up?
Dusty: Well, Corey, you had three strikeouts. You swung at the first three pitches, all out of the strike zone every time. The third strike was always a pitch right at your eyes. I think you need to acquire a better eye at the plate. And maybe bunt a little more often.
Corey: Dusty, you know I'm a huge asset to the team. Not everyone has a great glove, power, and speed like me. So I strike out every once in a while. Everyone does. Let me play and use all the talent I have.
Dusty: You're right, Corey. We're so lucky to have a player like you on the team. Want to go out for drinks to celebrate a great game?

Well, I hope you all learned something from this video. If not, who cares? You already paid for it, and that's all we care about. Because we here follow the "all for us" mentality. If you would like to know how that works, you can buy "A How-to Video
Being Selfish: A Day in the Life of Sammy Sosa".

Viewers, we regret to inform you that The Bachelorette series must be put on hold. The lovely Heather Prior had been distracting the men, and it was a unanimous decision. The series will begin again as soon as the players feel they can comfortably play the game and court a woman.

Dear Diary,
"Big game today," I told myself as I pulled on my jersey. I'd said the same thing to myself for the past seven games. I don't know why I thought it would work today, I guess I knew I needed to step up. I looked around at the guys' bald heads, and felt my own. "Hope this works," I thought, preparing to head out onto the field for batting practice. Just walking onto the field brought cheers from the fans that arrived early. I didn't want to let them down. I stepped into the batting cage, knocked a few out of the park, signed a couple autographs. I prayed, and before I knew it, it was time to take the field. I jogged out to third to thundering applause. It felt different though, I could almost feel the fans praying. 
A quick out. Could today beat the streak? Utley singles, I've never liked that guy. Ah, but Polanco hits a grounder right two me. I fire to Jerry and get him. The guys next to me take care of the next out, and I jog into the dugout with Jerry. "I've got a good feeling about today," I told him. "I hope you're right, we can't afford another sweep." "Hey, I'm always right," I said, as Corey walked into the dugout and flipped his helmet off his head. I took off my hat and said, "Maybe you should try it, man." He laughed and told me he liked his hair too much. I personally couldn't see why, but I decided not to say anything seeing the fact that he just made the first out and probably wouldn't find it funny. Todd walked over to us and sat down. "Lookin' good, Todd. Can hardly tell you're a cripple," I joked. "Hey, at least I'm out for a legitimate reason, Mr. Irritated Groin. Hey, man, why aren't you concentrating on the game? Ever think that could be why we're losing?" Even with 7 consecutive losses the dugout was still pretty light-hearted. I like this team. "I think the reason we're losing is too many injuries," I shot back at him, watching Neifi come back in after a failed at-bat. "Dude, get your stuff ready," Jerry said, pushing me out into the on-deck circle and throwing me my helmet. "Lack of concentration..."
That didn't matter, 3 up 3 down for the Cubs. I returned to my post at third, itching to get back in the batters box. I sat back and relaxed, watching my fellow defenders take care of the Phillies and prepared to try and start something for my team. I step up to the plate to face Brett Myers. I swing at the first pitch and foul it back. "Come on, why do you swing at the first pitch?" I ask myself. I swing again, at the second pitch, and miss. "What is this?" I ask myself, frustrated. I took the next pitch, only to pop out on the fourth pitch of the inning. I return to the dugout somewhat angry with myself for a less than extraordinary at-bat. "Relax, man. Look at me, I've got an 18-game hitting streak and I just flew out," Derrek told me. "Nice, rub it in." "I do what I can," he said with a smile and a spit. "You need to lay off, I wouldn't want you embarassing yourself." "Me?" "You may have 18 games and the average now, but wait until June, my month." "Oh you wish," he said with a playful shove. "Careful there, Derrek. We don't want another injury," Todd said sarcastically as Jeromy returned to the dugout. Ben squeezed past Todd to get his bat and make his way to the on-deck circle. "Careful there, Ben. We can't touch Todd, he's fragile," I told him. He smiled. I think we make him a little uncomfortable, but I can't see why. He was with us last year. Maybe it's the jitters of starting trying to break a losing streak. As soon as he got to the on-deck circle, the plate was his with Michael on first. Before Todd and I could get back to our "Who's hurt more?"fest, Michael was walking back into the dugout to put his catchers gear on. Again, I walked out to third ready to make the Phillies sorry they'd stepped foot on the field today.
Utley reaches again, this time on a walk. I don't know why I dislike this guy so much. But here comes my buddy Polanco again, hits it right at Carlos, who fires to Derrek, who throws to me, and I get to tag. Utley. out. Thank you, Derrek. I hang out outside the dugout for a second to catch Derrek. "This thunder should still be mine, but nice throw," I told him. "When are you going to get over the fact that I'm just better than you?" he asked, smirking. "Oh, you're just jealous because I'm younger." "Oh, you're just jealous because I'm taller," he said, standing up, towering over me and Jerry who had just walked back in. "Tough stuff," Jerry said with a sigh as he sat next to us. "Hey, when the almighty Derrek can't get a hit off him he has to be tough stuff," I said. "I've only had one at-bat, man," Derrek said. "But you're still right," he said, smiling. "Oh get over yourself," I told him as Carlos joined us again. "Nothing?" I asked him. "Leave me alone, you're just jealous because I'm younger," he said with a smile. Clearly he had heard Derrek and me earlier. I was really shocked at how happy everyone seemed to be today, except Corey who had just made the third out, I guess everyone had the same good feeling.
I had another boring inning on the field, watched my teammates play some great defense, prepared to play some great offense. I sat down and started to talk to Carlos, when we heard the sound of a homerun ball hitting Neifi's bat. We looked out and sure enough, Neifi sent a fan a souvenir. After he returned to the dugout, I made my way through the mess of Cubs jumping on him and pounding him in various places to the on-deck circle. I stood by and watched Derrek strike out. I smirked at him as he walked into the dugout and I to the plate. He knows I'm only kidding, I'd never smile if a guy I wasn't close with struck out. I go to the plate to take my revenge on Myers. And I swing at the first pitch and foul it away again. I get pissed at myself. I swing at the second pitch again, but this time it's no cause for anger. I can feel that it's gone the second I hit it. And it is. I round the bases trying not to smile, and as I jump into the dugout, Derrek is the first person waiting for me. After going through the usual high fives with the guys and hand shake with Jose, I sat next to Derrek and pulled off my helmet. "This," I said, touching my head, "is how it's done." "Get every other guy to do it and I will be as bald as Jeromy always was." "Hey, I heard that," Jeromy said, returning after striking out. "I shave it, you know," he said, grabbing his glove as we returned to the field.
And yet another inning for me to relax in the field. The infield took care of the Phillies in the fifth and I returned to the dugout, content. "Comfortable?" I asked Michael, who had taken the spot next to me. "Oh yea, Carlos has everything where it should be." "No, I meant, you're sitting on my jacket, it's a little cold." "Oh, sorry, man," he said, getting up, making sure to out of the way of a frustrated Ben walking into the dugout. "I was kidding. You've been awfully quiet today." "I thought I got rid of these long streaks when I came to Chicago." "You're going to have losing streaks everywhere." "I guess." "Just ask Jerry," I said as he walked in, "he's been involved in plenty of losing streaks." "What is this? You'd think you were Derrek, listening to you after that homerun," Jerry said, knowing that Derrek was within earshot. "Do I need to stand up again?" Derrek joked. "Yep, time to head back out," Michael said, and then went to try to calm down Carlos who had just struck out.
It was a relatively easy inning, except Bobby Abreu's homerun. He took my spot in the All Star Game. But I'm not bitter. Maybe just a little. After another hit, we're out of the inning and back in the dugout. I made sure to stay out of Carlos's way, and had Jason do the same. "I know you're kind of new at this, but after he gives up a homerun, Michael's the only guy who talks to him," I told Jason. He looked over at Michael trying to prepare Carlos for the next inning. "He's good," he said. "Yep, the silent leader type," I said, as a very angry Corey Patterson stormed into the dugout after another failed at-bat. "Ever work with him?" Jason asked, motioning to Corey. "No, he's usually good himself, except when he's getting ejected." Corey sighed, looked, up and smiled. "I heard that," he said, and threw his helmet at me in jest. "See what I mean?" I asked Jason. He laughed, and Neifi rejoined us. "Think two runs'll hold 'em?" Neifi asked. "It'll have to, it doesn't look like we can produce many more," I said, getting my glove and returning to third after Derrek's ground-out.
I watched Carlos's 1-2-3 inning, a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to talk to him much since I was leading off. I swing at the first pitch yet again, this time for a hit. I had a short chat with Ryan Howard about our feelings on the war in Iraq, but then Jeromy flew out. I then saw the signal to steal. At first I thought he was joking, but no, they wanted me to steal. So I tried. And I got thrown out. I was greeted with a "Brilliant base-running" from Derrek as I returned to the dugout. "You think I wanted to run?" "I would've had that," he said with a chuckle. "You'd better hope you don't have another at-bat, I don't know how your head will fit into your helmet." "They made an extra large for me and my hair," he said smirking, as we saw Michael double and Ben get intentionally walked. "That's got to make him feel good," Todd said, as he came in to have Todd, the healthy one, pinch run. "First start of the year, not bad," I said as he took a seat. "Thanks," he said, and wished us luck as we returned to the field after Jerry's strike out.
I watched as the rest of the defense gave Carlos another 1-2-3 inning. He returned to the dugout shortly after leading off the inning with a ground-out. "Nice game, man, going all the way, it looks like," I said as he sat down. "Looks like it." He was nervous. I guess I would be too, trying to break a losing streak and going for my first complete game. Corey returned to the dugout, seeming very angry. He wasn't the only one. I could tell the lack of offense frustrated Carlos. That was understandable. Pitching such a gem and having only a one-run lead to work with would probably frustrate me too. We headed out to the field with the same score, hoping that Carlos could hold them down and win this game.
I couldn't stand still. I watched as Carlos walked Bobby Abreu. I then watched Bobby come to my station on a David Bell ground-out. "We need this, man. Don't score," I told him, trying to make him feel guilty. He just looked at me like I was crazy. Hey, maybe I was, but we just won the game! Our losing streak was broken, our morale was boosted, and we had one very happy young pitcher. We all went out to dinner to celebrate. Oh, I have to go, Diary, my soap is on!
-Aramis

The Bachelorette: The First Rose Ceremony

Brittany: Hello, Heather. As you know, tonight you must eliminate five men. Have you made your decisions?
Heather: Yes.
Mandi: OK, then, on with the rose ceremony.
Heather: Michael, will you accept this rose?
Michael: Of course, thank you.
Heather: Greg, will you accept this rose?
Greg: It would be an honor. Thank you, Heather.
Heather: Carlos, will you accept this rose?
Carlos: Yes, thank you, Heather.
Heather: Todd W., will you accept this rose?
Todd Walker: Yes, thank you so much, Heather. And in hopes of receiving a rose I got you a gift in return, a bouquet of roses.
Heather: Oh, Todd, thank you so much. Derrek, will you accept this rose?
Derrek: I thought you'd never ask.
Heather: Nomar, will you accept this rose?
Nomar: Of course I will, thank you.
Heather: Jeromy, will you accept this rose?
Jeromy: Yes, thank you, Heather.
Heather: Corey, will you accept this rose?
Corey: Yes, in a heartbeat. And speaking of heartbeats, here.
Heather: A heart-shaped box of candy, Corey, that's so sweet! Aramis, will you accept this rose?
Aramis: Yes, of course, Heather.
Brittany: This is your last rose, Heather.
Heather: Yes, Kerry, will you accept this rose?
Kerry: Of course, thank you.
Mandi: Well, Glendon, Mark, Todd H., Ryan, and Jason, it's time for you to pack your things and go home.

Glendon: Yes, I'm a little disappointed, but if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be. There are other girls out there.

Mark: This is the most messed up show. She's not even a bachelorette! How can she be on The Bachelorette if she's married? As are most of these guys. She only kept one single guy around. I want to know who the producers are, they're going to get a piece of my mind. If I weren't playing a professional sport and afraid of getting suspended, they'd get a lot more.

Todd Hollandsworth: I don't really understand. I thought things were going pretty well. I guess she didn't feel the same connection that I felt.

Ryan: I couldn't date a girl who didn't like baseball anyway.

Jason: Honestly, I'm pretty relieved. I wouldn't want to be the guy who has to deal with Mark when his wife picks him.